♪♫ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♫ ♪
ARE YOU LISTENING?
♪♫ WE'RE IN PAIN ♫ ♪
JELL-O'S GLISTENING
♫ ♪ A TERRIBLE SIGHT ♪♫
THE TASTE IS A FRIGHT
♪♫ EATING FROM A MOLD THAT'S MADE FROM CANS ♪♫
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| Just look at that tablescape. Eat your heart out, Williams Sonoma. |
Merry Christmas, everyone! Did all of your wishes come true? Was one of your wishes eating a triple-decker congealed salad stuffed like Santa's sack with cream cheese, hazelnuts, eggnog, and Inscrutable Melon?
Us neither.
Today's
Wylie served a walloping THIRTEEN TERMS as a U.S. Representative from Ohio's 15th District, during which he introduced 183 bills.
Wylie's political impulses were, for the most part, Republican Classic. Over the course of his 26-year career, The Chalm sponsored balanced budget bills and tax code adjustments, proposed a Constitutional amendment criminalizing the "desecration of the flag," and, perhaps most importantly, introduced legislation commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Ohio State University marching band (go Brass Bucks!)
Chalmers Pangburn Wylie was born in Muskingum County, Ohio.
Everything about this man is a great Scrabble hand.
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| JD from Harvard. BDE from Pangburn. |
After retirement, Pangolin Wylie graciously lent his name to the Chalmers P. Wylie VA Ambulatory Care Center in Columbus, OH, which appears to provide both decent health-care services and, according to one intrepid Yelp reviewer, a pretty good Coney dog.
Marjorie would be proud.
Little known fact: Marjorie's Three-Layer Mold actually played an important role in the Christmas story. Reenact the following scene with your family this Yule:
BETHLEHEM—EXT.—NIGHT. JOSEPH, WEARY AND HIPPIE-HAIRED, APPROACHES THE INN AND POUNDS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" ON A DOOR ROUGHLY HEWN FROM CEDARS OF LEBANON. THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN TO REVEAL INNKEEPER, A SQUARE-JAWED MAN IN A PINSTRIPED SIMLĀH.
JOSEPH
Please. My wife is extremely pregnant.
INNKEEPER
Why, come on in! There's plenty of room! I'll boil several gallons of water!
JOSEPH
Thank you. Boiled water is very important for baby-having.
INNKEEPER
Not for the whelp, you great galoot! I'm making a congealed salad! Three whole layers! Some angel told me I needed three for symbolism. Come in, come in. The name's Ezekieth C. Pangburn. And you?
JOSEPH
(shuts door, backs wide-eyed into street. Turns to Mary.)
Sorry, sweetie. No room in the inn. Step 1. The Melon in Winter
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| we are breaking the rules with this fresh fr00t. *revs motorcycle* |
We drove to every grocery store in a 10-mile radius and couldn't find anything close to frozen melon balls. It doesn't help that Marge doesn't specify the kind of melon.
In the end, we just bought a whole damn honeydew. The melon's for the green layer, after all. Plus, everyone's expectations for honeydew are already so low that seasonality seems like a tertiary concern.
Honeydew Melon: "You've Never Eaten a Ripe One."
Step 2. COMPLETE THE FIRST TRIAL.
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| Forgive them, Father Christmas. They know not what they do. |
The Wily Wylies start out sensible enough: make lime Jell-O! We weren't sure The Harbinger had the requisite Christmasisity, so we procured a special Nordic Ware CHRISTMAS BUNDT PAN just for the occasion.
Nordic Ware®: "We'd Really Prefer You Used This for Cakes."
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| The mulp is back, baby. |
While that lime Jell-O firms in the fridge, Marjorie instructs you to "fold" a half-cup of coarsely chopped Christmas Melon into some softened cream cheese.
Then she tells you to shape that melon paste into teaspoon-sized balls.
...and drop those balls on a cookie sheet covered in chopped nuts.
...and roll those sticky McMulp Nuggets around like an overcaffeinated Bingo caller.
The verbs here are confusing—"roll," "shape." This process was less like coating a cheese ball and more like dropping a half-melted ice cream cone scoop-first onto some sand, picking it back up, and proclaiming it solid food.
Look, we did the best we could. But when Marge instructed us to "carefully place balls in gelatin, positioning evenly," well...
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| Beginning to get a bad feeling about this. |
Step 3. HAVE A CLOGGY, NOGGY CHRISTMAS
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| Same, pineapple. Same. |
Things really go off the rails in Layer Two. Margie-Pang asks you to drain a can of crushed pineapple, pour a packet of unflavored gelatin into the syrup, and then add the dessicated pineapple back in along with a cup and a half of egg nog.
As we whisked, we heard the faint, drunken strains of Bing Crosby crooning Mele Kalikimaka into an active volcano.
The pineapple nog mix smells truly repellent, with the post-traumatic texture of Joan's Blue Cheese Mold.
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| *jiggles threateningly* |
The nog layer is, of course, the thickest, because Marjorie wants to make sure the youths of tomorrow have strong bones and teeth.
Step 4. Reconstruct the crime scene
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| From producer Dick Wolf. |
We let the FINAL LAYER set overnight before we decanted it, which was probably overkill. This thing squicked out of the Nordic Ware with all the sonic elegance of tap dancing on a hog lot.
Step 5. Serve with Sham Pain
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| We decanted Hamm's into champagne coupes because Christmas is for fancy. |
The recipe ends with this puzzling advice:
"Note: Serve with Crown Roast of Pork."*
*Pork not included.
Since this mold took ALL DAY to make, we suspect you're not going to have time to find and slaughter the Hog King. Instead, we suggest slopping this on a cake platter next to some candles and a crèche. Bitches love crèches.
We've gotta give Marjorie a little credit here. The flavors were better than we expected, but the texture was truly horrifying. The nog layer was impractically thicc, full of pineapple bits with the wet crunch of rain-decayed twigs. Just when you've adjusted to your new and disturbing textural realities, a nutty melon cheeseball bursts across your palate like Krampus dropping off a wet sack of naughty children's bones.
We might have finished a slice, were it not for the sinister synergies of crunchy pineapple nog and cheesy nutmelon.
...as with most things in life, the whites were the problem.
Three-Layer Christmas Mold
By Mrs. Chalmers P. "Marjorie" Wylie
Adapted from the 1982 Congressional Club Cook Book
Green Layer:
1 3 oz pkg. lime gelatin
1 cup boiling water
1 cup cold water
1/2 cup frozen melon balls, thawed and well drained
1 3 oz pkg. cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup chopped nuts
White Layer:
1 8 oz can crushed pineapple
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 1/2 cups canned or dairy eggnog
Red Layer:
1 3 oz pkg. raspberry gelatin
1 cup boiling water
1 10 oz pkg. frozen raspberries, thawed
Hamm's Layer:
2 12 oz cans Hamm's Lager Beer
Green Layer: Dissolve gelatin in boiling water. Add cold water. Pour into 6 cup mold. Chill until slightly thickened. Meanwhile, pat dry melon balls and chop coarsely. Fold into cream cheese. Spread nuts on waxed paper and drop teaspoonfuls of cream cheese mixture onto nuts. Roll and shape into balls. Chill in refrigerator while gelatin congeals. Carefully place balls in gelatin, positioning evenly in mold. Let chill until very thick, but not completely set.
White Layer: Drain pineapple, reserving syrup. Soften gelatin in syrup and heat until dissolved. Add sugar, stirring to dissolve. Combine with eggnog and drained pineapple and chill until slightly thickened. Pour over lime gelatin in mold and chill until thickened but not fully set.
Red Layer: Dissolve gelatin in boiling water. Stir in raspberries. Chill until slightly thickened. Pour over white layer in mold. Chill until completely set. To serve, unmold onto plate. Garnish with frozen melon balls and two cans Hamm's, if desired. Makes 10 to 12 servings.
Note: Serve with Crown Roast of Pork. Or don't.
with all things in life...
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