Look, let's get one thing straight
right off the bat: we followed the recipe exactly.
When
the recipe told us to reserve "1/2 of the mixture," we used a
gotdang kitchen scale and divided that sucker to the tenth of
a gram. When it told us we only needed 3 ounces of cream cheese we laughed
nervously—then plunged ahead like champions.
What
happened here today is not our fault.
Today's
edition of "what? why?" comes to us courtesy of Marilyn Burnside
Weaver, who impressed the ladies of the 1982 Congressional Club with her
"Tri-Level Salad."
We
know what you're thinking: a salad! surely, finally, this
time, we might encounter a vegetable.
![]() |
(Don't worry. We're not making this in The Harbinger. He just hangs out in the kitchen, reflecting our shame like a cursed funhouse mirror.) |
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Dr. Burnside (D-WV). The "D" stands for "Definitely not a serial killer." |
...at
least, that's what we were initially led to believe. There's less information
on the internet about this guy than most newborns. All of the official-ish
biographies we consulted say he "worked briefly" at the NSA.
This
is an understatement. It was only by trawling through digitized transcripts of
old Congressional proceedings that we learned the ~*~#truth~*~
Almost
as soon as SideBurns was appointed, GOP loyalists began petitioning Eisenhower
to drop the Doc. While Burnie was spending five weeks training and racking up
security clearances like fruit in an arcade game, the GOP was launching a
campaign to keep him from taking office. He was sworn in on March 13, 1953.
He
was fired on March 26, 1953. That's right, folks: he lasted a whole 1.3
Mooches.
[nb:
the "Mooch" is a measure of time named for the 10-day blitzkrieg
tenure of former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, RIP].
Congressional
records of the time suggest political pressure was the one and only reason.
Burnie's
statement to the press upon his dismissal: "I was removed from a purely technical
Federal civil-service post without regard to due process of merit and solely to
obey the whims and demands of Republican party leaders of West Virginia...What
has happened to me of itself is not important. But it is a very shocking thing
to realize that high Government officials have permitted petty Republican
politicians of West Virginia to invade the work of one of the most secret and
important, if not the most important, section of our defense program."
HAHAHA
CAN YOU IMAGINE? WHAT A WORLD. SO GLAD THOSE DAYS ARE BEHIND US.
*coughs
in Russian*
Step 1. Stare
longingly at some romaine, then buy candy.
vegetal level: no |
NO CANS this
week! It's a miracle! Instead, we've got your five basic food groups: Lemon Jell-O,
applesauce, Red Hots (technically, these are Legally Distinct™ Cinnamon Imperials), and cream cheese. There's a cup of
water hanging out in the background. That's all, folks.
Step 2. Make Red Hot soup
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Cinnamon imperialism. |
Like all good salads, this one starts with hot corn syrup.
Drop 1/4 cup of perfectly good Red Hots into a cup of simmering water. Boil
until the evidence dissolves and all that remains is a thin red syrup.
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"ALL WE WANTED...WAS TO GIVE YOUR TONGUE A CHEMICAL BURNNNNnnnnnnnnnn" |
Step 3. Make cinnamon applesauce
The life-changing magic of scratch cooking. |
But would cinnamon applesauce have the
unsettling crimson hue of a pine marten feasting on a piping-hot vole?
You only get that with Red #40, baby.
Honestly, this smelled pretty good
while it was simmering. At a restaurant, this dish would cost $16 and be listed
as "first-press apple compote. horse marrow. cinnamon bonbon gelée."
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We weighed this out to make sure it was exactly half because we care deeply about our CRAFT. |
Again,
we'd like to remind you: we followed this recipe exactly according to
the instructions.
Step 5: Spread solid cheese on a pile of wet mulp
![]() |
Truly heroic spreading. |
You know how when you make a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich, you spread the peanut butter on the
jelly? Us neither.
An
hour in the fridge, and this thing was nowhere near set. Just thinking about
daubing it with a bit of cream cheese made the First Layer ripple angrily in
warning. We suspect it could sense our fear.
Marilyn
specified that the cream cheese should be "softened," so we had let
the block sit at room temperature while the dish was chilling. But after an
hour on the counter, there was less chance of spreading that cream cheese on
the barely set applegel than stuffing a live eel into a toilet paper roll.
Liz
had to microwave the cream cheese to get it anywhere close to soft enough to
spread without ripping the bottom layer to shreds.
But
then it worked great and everything turned out perfect. The Second Layer was a
breeze. Liz excelled at her task and will be taking no questions.
…look, there are some lessons to take away here. One is that 3 ounces of cream cheese is not enough to constitute anything close to a "layer."
Another is that the verb "spread" necessarily implies at least one of your constituent parts is a solid. You cannot simply smoosh two non-Newtonian substances together and pray for "layers."
♫You can't always get what you want / But if you try sometimes / You just might find / Your Jello can BLEE-EEED. ♪ |
Step 7: Perform psychoanalysis with Rorschach salad
Bad
news: the visual effect is less "tri-layer salad" than "inkblot
test preserved in the blood of innocents."
The other bad news: the bottom layer
never set. The texture remained—to quote the late, moist Supreme Court Justice
Antonin Scalia—"pure applesauce."
You
can sort of see the layers, though.
Sheen level: Michael |
We gripe about Atomic Age "Boxes
and Bags" Cuisine a lot here on the Congressional Clog, but this didn't
taste bad. It's hard to rant too much about what is basically
cinnamon applesauce topped with pilly hills of cream cheese and blanketed with
a toupee of vaguely firm gelatin. If the gelatin layers were a bit
thicker and firmer—and the cream cheese layer didn't look like a congealed
slurry of suntan lotion—we can imagine encountering this at an Easter dinner in
Iowa.
Tom
described it as "a symphony of flavors, if the symphony had two
instruments, both of which were played by amateurs."
Hey, it's no "symphony
of beef."
But we've had worse
salads.
Tri-Level Salad
By Mrs. George Arthur (Marilyn
Burnside) Weaver
Adapated from the 1982 Congressional Club Cook Book
1/4 cup cinnamon red hots
1 cup water
1 pg. lemon Jello
1 cup applesauce
1 3 oz. package of cream cheese,
softened
2 cans Hamm's
Melt red hots in 1 cup boiling water.
Add Jello and applesauce. Pour 1/2 mixture into 9x9 pan and refrigerate 1 hour.
Spread softened cream cheese on top and refrigerate 1 hour again. Drink Hamm's.
Pour the rest of the mixture on top of the cream cheese. Pour Jello over spoon
to break fall. Refrigerate. Makes 8 servings.
hmm
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